Jumper Review

Jumper

Jumper is a pretty interesting concept for a film. If you are a Jumper then all you have to do is think of a place and that’s where you teleport. Makes watching TV very difficult though. Watch a disaster movie and it’s like “Oops I fell into a volcano.” So it’s not something you want, but the travel would be nice.

 

The film follows David Rice (played by Max Thieriot and also by Hayden Christensen) as he discovers his warping powers after falling into a frozen lake and almost drowning. He runs from his dad and robs a bank, getting a place of his own. The film then jumps 8 years into the future. There’s no reason for it to be 8 years in the future, but it is. Anyway he meets up with childhood sweetheart Millie (Played by AnnaSophia Robb and also by Rachel Bilson) who wanted to travel the world, so they go to Rome (On a plane of all things).

 

However he isn’t the only Jumper, there are lots of them (Well, we see about three or four of them in the film in total). There are also a group of people who kills jumpers called Paladins. The main Paladin is called Roland (Played by Samuel L Jackson). The Paladins’ jobs are made more difficult because most of the time whenever they get a tip off, they are led to the location of a woolly jumper instead (That’s definitely in the movie). Naturally in several points of the film, David and Roland meet up because Roland finds out that David robbed the bank and therefore is now trying to kill him.

 

Despite being the protagonist, David Rice is the least interesting main character because we don’t really get to find out what he is thinking most of the time other than through his actions. Yes he is immature and naive, but that doesn’t necessarily make for a compelling character because we don’t get much insight. The story probably would have been better off being told through the point of view of Millie because unlike him she says what she is thinking. There is another Jumper character called Griffin (Played by Jaime Bell) who says what he is thinking. The writers probably thought that some people would prefer Griffin to David because of his Anti-Heroness, but I prefer him to David because Griffin occasionally makes sense. Yes I know that David is supposed to be new and inexperienced, but it took him 8 years to find out the existence of other Jumpers. You can’t do something for 8 years and still be new.

 

There are parts of the plot that just don’t work. For example later on in the film (This isn’t a spoiler) we find out that David made his first jump when he was 5. Who doesn’t remember what they were doing when they were 5? Also at the beginning of the film David tells us that his dad is not a very good parent so I presume we are supposed to dislike him, but we don’t see any examples of bad parenting from him. The film even gets us to like him later on, so I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to think about him. Maybe in the novel you can read about him being a bad parent, but I’m not reviewing novel/film combos. If it’s not in the film narrative then it’s not in the film narrative, and I’m not going to check the novel. The novel doesn’t even sound that good because for the plot to work, most people in the film can’t know what Jumpers are, which considering that Paladins have apparently been after Jumpers for centuries sounds a bit silly. Even Griffin, a savvy jumper, jumps right in front of hundreds of people in the film, and possibly in front of thousands over time.

 

That all said there are some brilliant set pieces in the film. In the beginning it promises to take us to great locations and it delivers. There are some really good action sequences, especially in the last third. I enjoyed watching the technology the Paladin’s use to catch and kill the jumpers, even if they wouldn’t all work in real life and the Paladins being able to use them come out of nowhere plot wise. It’s really satisfying to see the characters jump from place to place. There’s also nothing really awful about the film, but considering that I need to say that just to raise some expectations is a bit sad.

 

The reason why the good stuff about the film is squished down here is because it’s really good at what I don’t prioritise – the action sequences and it’s quite difficult to describe them in text without just telling you what happens. The basic idea is good and the action sequences are fantastic. But the writing needs some work. This film is enjoyable, provided that the main character doesn’t annoy you too much. I’ll give Jumper a 6/10, and just hope that rating doesn’t seem too out of place considering my review.

 

6/10

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The Huntsman: Winter’s War Review

winters-war

Neither of these two are the main characters of this movie.

The Huntsman: The Winter’s War is a sequel/prequel to a movie I barely remember. There were two Snow White movies in close proximity to each other, and I preferred the other one (Mirror Mirror) because despite the lower budget, the characters and events were more entertaining. I’m not doing spoilers, but this movie has a lot of back story so let’s go.

So Queen Ravenna (Charlize Theron) from the first movie had a sister all along, whose name is Freya (Emily Blunt). The Queen doesn’t believe in love and Freya wants to prove her wrong by falling in love. So she falls in love, but the guy burns part of the castle and kills the queen, but the killing part isn’t made clear until later on in the movie. Maybe it was clear to other people, and maybe they said that and I wasn’t paying attention, but all I saw was that the guy burnt part of the castle and I was like “huh?” They could have told that part better.

Anyway Freya runs off to the North and makes her own kingdom and turns it into a land of ice, because she has ice powers somehow.  Maybe she should have been called Froyo. She puts in a law that makes it illegal to fall in love. She kidnaps children and raises them to become her army. They grow up and two of them fall in love. One of them being the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) and the other is Sara (Jessica Chastain) who gets killed early on because Freya finds out via one of her owl spies and creates an ice wall between them. The Huntsman (Who is called Eric during informal events) has no choice but to watch one of Freya’s soldiers kill Sara.

Finally we get to the bit after the first movie. The Magic Mirror that Snow White now has has been stolen, and she sends the Huntsman to get it back. She sends a couple of Dwarves with him. Maybe she should have kidnapped children and raised them to become her army. I know it’s not heroic, but it’s still better than sending out a couple of dwarves. They also meet a couple more dwarves, but these ones are women.

Chris Hemsworth is good as The Huntsman, the dwarves are entertaining even if they just serve as characters for the Huntsman to talk to. There’s a line about female dwarves being ugly that doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of the movie. It could have been used as character development, but it isn’t. Freya just looks glum throughout.

Kristen Stewart does not appear as Snow White in this movie. She’s referred to several times, and she’s the one who sends the Huntsman on his quest. I think we even see the back of Snow White at one point. But Snow White is not in this movie, and it really needed her. If they were going to have somebody play her back half, then they should have had someone play her front half as well. Preferably the same person both sides. It feels weird to have people talk about her and then have her not show up.

The mirror is supposed to be important. We know that the mirror can tell you things, but we are aware that it can do something else because we see the effect it can cause. We don’t find out what that something else is until later, but it’s not presented to us in an interesting way. The creatures that guard the mirror, they are foreshadowed in an earlier line but we don’t know anything about them other than what we initially see, then they disappear for the rest of the movie. It should be an important scene but we aren’t given a reason to care or feel excited and so I felt bored.

The twist near the end, while silly, does mean that there is some reason to feel invested at the end. This movie is ok, the characters are entertaining, but most of the plot isn’t. I’ll give it a 5/10 because while there is nothing I can hate about it, it should have been better.

 

5/10

You Installed Windows 10 And Now You Can’t Right Click Which Is So Annoying That It Makes You Want To Pull Your Own Face Off

I think I can tell you what happened.

So you realised that Windows 10 had undone your work on making sure that the touch pad doesn’t push buttons. Cause you know, you don’t want to click something when you didn’t click anything, because that would be silly. So you abseiled deep into the mouse menu (With a safety harness of course) and disabled as many touchpad clicky things as you can.

Turns out that was bad style, Jim. But I can fix it!

  1. Settings, go to the mouse/touchpad bit. Click additional options.

Mouse 1.png

2. Click settings

Mouse 2.png

3. Ok time to fix a thing. Turns out the programmers made it so that if you disable the two finger click (Which would act as a right click), it disables right clicking altogether. Enable it again. Don’t worry it won’t make the touch pad click things again.

Mouse 3

If that didn’t fix it then, ehhh… Maybe you poured ketchup on it or something.

Tips on Building a House

Are your attempts at building a house going all wrong? Is your insistence on not using tools getting in the way? Well don’t worry because I’m here to help. You could probably get your house done before you’ve even finished reading the post. It’s that good.

Construction.jpg

The first step is finding your plot.

pile of dirt

Now you’ve found your plot you need to get planks of wood, rulers, a ground plan and some tools. (You may have an insistence on not using tools. You need tools. I’m glad I helped). Measure everything. 1cm, 2cm, 3cm 4. Make sure the ceiling is taller than your head. Saw the wood with a saw. and bash some nails into it. It doesn’t matter where.

Before you construct your house you need to put up a sign discouraging the public from entering the construction zone. A sign like this…

please do not raid my fridge

How are people ever going to go into your working area if they know they can’t raid your fridge? It’s perfect! If you have some blue prints, then that’s a bad thing because you haven’t started painting yet. I suggest you should call a doctor.

When you are doing the building bit of building the building, you need to make sure the pieces of wood don’t fall over. The best way of making sure this doesn’t happen is to use lots of duct tape. Then you are allowed to paint it.

Building the ceiling is a lot like building the walls, except sideways.

The point of tiling the walls is to make sure water doesn’t get in. Using a sign would not work here because waters don’t like fridges. When you are finished tiling the roof, don’t use the ladder to climb down. It looks much cooler if you jump off.

Congratulations, you have just built a house. Now as long as you don’t mind people complaining that you didn’t get planning permission, you can live in there for as long as you want. I’d buy a cushion for comfort.

rich house

Your house

Brainiac faked the Newton’s Cradle Explosion

So there’s this old video on Youtube where some people microwave a Newton’s cradle to poorly made ball jokes.

(Sorry, can’t resize it.)

Now here’s the thing, UK tv viewers had previously seen a Newton’s cradle being microwaved on Brainiac: Science Abuse

One video had the Newton’s cradle melting, and the other one exploded. So one video must be lying. The liars were of course the ones at Brainiac because it’s difficult to trick a Newton’s cradle into melting rather than exploding. Also they did the same thing with a CD, and ‘Is It A Good Idea To Microwave This’ loved explosions and if it exploded, they would put it in the show.

I know Science Abuse is about Abusing Science, but they even added an explanation involving the words ‘spark points’ and ‘magnetrons’.

So don’t believe everything you hear kids. You can heat up your Newton’s Cradle after all.

‘Cause you know, what’s a Newton’s Cradle if it ain’t melted?

Rewatching Lord of the Rings: A Fellowship of the Ring

The first time I saw The Lord of The Rings was when I was probably under 10, I went downstairs for something and I saw my parents watching the extended edition DVD. I saw a few shots of the opening battle sequence, and I hadn’t watched anything like it before. It looked impressive and the sound was amazing.

LotR Opening Scene.gif

We watched The Fellowship of the Ring as a family a day or two later and I remember enjoying it. But obviously as I was younger I didn’t really understand all of it. A lot of the fantastical elements went over my head, which makes sense because half of the words were made up. I didn’t really watch the other two films properly until years later because I didn’t have the attention span, but my sister explained a some of the film to me. For example I saw Gollum and she told me that he used to be Smegal, which really fascinated me as a kid.

It’s fascinating rewatching FotR now after seeing The Hobbit. Of course they didn’t know that Martin Freeman was going to play Bilbo so it’s Ian Holm who finds the ring, even though Gandalf says that Bilbo hasn’t aged a day yet The Hobbit is obviously in cannon with this. Also Legolas has light blue eyes in The Hobbit but brown eyes in LotR. And then I found out that Legolas was always supposed to have brown eyes but they kept forgetting to put his contact lenses in. Rewatching the film is a bit weird, is what I’m saying.

Even bland statements such as “Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him” have become funny thanks to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE-1RPDqJAY (The video is almost 10 years old btw). Also I just to think Gandalf was awesome, but now not so much. Let’s see, he gets kidnapped in The Hobbit, kidnapped again in FotR and then he gets killed by the Balrog. Well not really. Instead he turns into Gandalf the White (I don’t remember how that happened, all I remember is that it was very silly. It was fine when all the fantasy characters all hit each other with sticks, but then it got silly.). Also he didn’t tell the Fellowship what was in the mines of Moria, so it’s like yes, of course they are going to think it’s better than a snowy mountain of pain. Now when Gandalf does something dumb I’m like “Freaking Dumbledore!”

But the film is still entertaining to watch, and now I’m older I can understand the whole Aragon king sub plot properly because I’ve seen all three films. I hope I get enjoyment from the rest of it. Actually I know I will, because Gollum is coming up. Potatoes Aye!

Robin Hood vs Cheddar (Showdown)

One is a man in green and the other is a food in yellow. Now which one is about to get gold? It’s time for a showdown!

Robin Hood

cheddar

Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the poor. I can get cheddar for £3 down the road.

Robin Hood – 0 Cheddar – 1

Robin Hood fires arrows at targets. Cheddar fires crumbs at passers by. Unfortunately cheese isn’t very deadly.

Robin Hood – 1 Cheddar – 1

Robin Hood has a heart of gold. Cheddar has a heart of cheese. Cheese isn’t a very effective organ, so if Cheddar was alive it would die instantly.

Robin Hood – 2 Cheddar – 1

Robin Hood probably has more nutritional value than cheddar. Cheddar cannot talk.

Robin Hood – 3 Cheddar – 1

Cheese is a product from cows made with love and care. Robin Hood doesn’t exist.

Robin Hood – 3 Cheddar – 2
It’s official! Robin Hood is better than cheddar. If you disagree, then talk to the bow.

Robin Hood.jpg

Actually, I don’t think the bow is sentient either.

7 Things You Should Never Say If You Are Running For President

1. I have ordered Santa Claus to be shot for security purposes

2. To prove guns are safe I will shoot myself

3. Why is that tree moving?

4. My plan to improve solar energy resources is to attach rockets to Australia and to fly into the sun.

5. I have a good track record in economics as I consistently place 4th in Monopoly.

6. You want to decrease unemployment? Pay them to throw rocks at each other.

7. Scoot over, my butt is numb.

president.png

Time Travel Is Overrated And Here’s Why

Time Travel is a nice idea. You get to go to whatever period you want to go to, and you can meet whoever you want, but there are more problems than it’s worth.

tardis lorry

The Chameleon Circuit’s jammed again!

First of all languages change over time, and that means you aren’t going to understand what on earth they are saying. Even if you do your research, it doesn’t change the fact that there will be errors in information, accents you’ll have to decipher and then t

There’s also how there hasn’t been a recorded incident of a time traveller “BUT STEWART WHAT ABOUT THAT MAN WHO”… Like I said, no recorded incidents of time travellers in the past. But what about the future? Well I hear things are gonna get moist, so the equipment will probably get short circuited anyway.

Personally I don’t even think time travel is possible due to the huge leap in logic needed to assume that there is a time tunnel that one could theoretically pop in and out of (And yes I know space travel technically counts as time travel, but it’s not exactly going to get me beheaded by Henry VIII, is it.). This is a good thing, because if time machines became commercially available then you just know some dipstick is gonna try and kill Hitler, meaning some one competent will take his place and we would probably lose the war. But thinking about it, someone would probably kill that dude too, and someone else will kill the dude who killed him and OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO COMPLICATED.

It might be funny if sports teams go to the future to find out the results so they can revise their tactics and win, and then the other team will do the same, and then they’ll go back and forth until the timeline would be confused about which timeline to show them, so there is some hilarity there.

The sad truth is if the time machine breaks down then there’s no one to do maintenance so you’re kind of stuck there. Still, bring a torch and you can have yourself a carnival act.

“The light goes on, and then it goes off. Now give me your money! Oh dammit the battery’s dead.”

Rabbits Vs Trampolines (Showdown)

It’s time for a classic showdown between two favourites! The cute and cuddly rabbits vs the elastic and extreme trampoline. Only one can win – It’s time to find out who!

Rabbits.jpg

Trampoline

Levitating People: HOW DID IT HAPPEN!!1!

Rabbits are fluffy. Trampolines are not fluffy? Why are they not fluffy? Yes it will probably make people jump less high but that doesn’t really matter. How are you supposed to stroke a trampoline?

Rabbits – 1 Trampolines – 0

You can bounce on trampolines to go really high, and you can perform tricks while in the air. If you bounce on a rabbit then it gets squished. You can’t even get much air off it. However you can train a rabbit to do tricks like hurdles. You can’t even get a trampoline to roll over. Both types of tricks are impressive, but rabbit tricks have more variety. Plus rabbits don’t speak english.

Rabbits – 2 Trampolines – 0

Rabbits pee and leave messes everywhere. Trampolines don’t.

Rabbits – 2 Trampolines – 1

Rabbits can be fun to play with due to a severe case of adorableness, while trampolines are fun to play on due to bounce factor. Sometimes Rabbits get tired and don’t want to play while trampolines don’t care whether they are tired or not.

Rabbits – 2 Trampolines – 2

People can be injured by bouncing on a trampoline and falling off, or by hitting the metal side. Rabbits can bite people which can hurt, however that doesn’t cause any major injury. However due to a misunderstanding a bunch of rabbits once had to consume the entirety of Australia (Seriously, they have the most dangerous animals in the world there, but show them a rabbit and they’ll freak.)

Rabbits – 3 Trampolines – 2
Well there you have it! Rabbits are officially better than trampolines. If you disagree, I’ll set a bunny on you.

Rabbits 2.jpg

Apparently these rabbits are supposed to be fighting, but it looks like they’re hi fiving.