1. I have ordered Santa Claus to be shot for security purposes
2. To prove guns are safe I will shoot myself
3. Why is that tree moving?
4. My plan to improve solar energy resources is to attach rockets to Australia and to fly into the sun.
5. I have a good track record in economics as I consistently place 4th in Monopoly.
6. You want to decrease unemployment? Pay them to throw rocks at each other.
7. Scoot over, my butt is numb.
1. The best cereals contains sugar. Sugar gives you energy, for short bursts. The more times you eat cereal throught the day, the more bursts of energy you get.
2. Toasters are for cooking bread. But if a burgular comes into your house and sees you cooking, he’s going to want a toastie. But you are crafty you will have already eaten all the toast, and the burgular will go home disappointed.
3. If you pour cooked pancake mix into the cracks of your house, then it can make it stronger. It can also help accomplish your dreams owning an edible house.
4. There are many different types of beans. But the best bean is of course the baked bean. Beans are cooked, which is why they are tanned. If you sit in a cooking pot of baked beans for a while, then you too can have a cheap and easy tan.
5. Eggs taste weird, but if you sit on one long enough it will hatch. Then if you wait long enough you will have chicken, and chicken is tastier than egg.
6. Porrage is like cereal but dull. Therefore it is not a reason why breakfast is important.
7. If anyone tries to force feed you a cornish pasty and you don’t want it, bluff your way out by eating a croissant instead. They both look exactly the same. Or if you hate croissants then you can sneak a pasty instead.
8. Waffles. You can eat them with syrup and they taste nice. Need I say more?
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7 Fool Proof Ways Of Getting Away With Crimes
1. Bank robbery: Hey do you have change for £10,000. I’ll give you it once I have my change because it is a lot you know, lol no I won’t BYE!
2. Parking of double yellow lines: Sorry sir I decided to paint yellow lines over my tyres and it’s appeared to have gone all over the road!
3. Stealing a painting: You are not allowed to use my likeness in a gallery, so I must confiscate it. What do you mean she doesn’t look like me? This was painted in 1605. I looked different back then.
4. Littering: Say it’s compost. Put dirt inside it if they ask for proof.
5. Stealing a Motorbike: Steal bits from lots of different motorbikes and no one will notice!
6. Illegal Imigration: I can’t help if I accidentally teleport whenever I burp. Unfortunately I ran out of gas so cannot burp back to where I came from.
7. Breaking out of Jail: It’s a little known fact that if you wait until the end of your sentence, then they won’t mind how you escape. Not even if it involves doing something illegal.
1. On your son’s birthday. Hey I ate your cake and locked all of your best friends in a crate which is currently on a boat headed for China, but hey, a dinosaur!
2. On a heist. We need somebody who is really subtle. Somebody who get sneak past the guards undetected and can also keep calm under pressure. We also need a dinosaur!
3. During birth. Oh no the baby’s stuck! Is there anything we can do to encourage him? What do kids his age like? Dinosaurs. Do we have any toy dinosaurs around here? Oh even better it’s a real dinosaur! Look, Timmy’s born already!
4. On holiday. Oh man this recreation of a Tudor village looks so boring. How can we spice things up a bit while still keeping it historically accu-Oh hi dinosaur.
5. During a game of hide and seek. Oh no I can’t find anybody. I hope they haven’t all decided to hide behind the giant dinosaur. Oh wait they all did. Again!
6. During retirement. Wow I am so old, but at least I’m not as old as this guy! (That’s because he’s literally a dinosaur.)
7. During a wedding. Should anyone here present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace. UH YEAH, I THINK SHE SHOULD MARRY ME BECAUSE I HAVE A DINOSAUR.
In fact there’s only one time when having a dinosaur would be a bad idea. That’s during a biology lesson. That’s because the teacher will grab the pointer and push it all over his face to demonstrate to the class how dinosaurs might have worked, and the dinosaur has to just sit there and take it in order to get good grades. Sad times.
1. You learnt that more history happened in WW2 than in the rest of the earth’s entire lifespan.
2. You learnt that it was ok for questions about one train traveling at a constant speed of 50 mph for 20 minutes and the other at 90 mph for 30 minutes, because that’s how the National Rail works.
3. You learnt that the best way to hold scissors while walking is to walk like an extremely incompetent serial killer.
4. You learnt that red symbolises passion and murder, which is why tomatoes are always so suspicious.
5. You learnt that dodgeball and cross country are better done together
6. You learnt that people are allowed to believe anything they want, no matter how strange it may seem. But your presentation about how Hitler went into space was still the best one.
7. You realise that after all of the distractions and how little you learnt each lesson, you’ld probably be better off being homeschooled after all.